He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.
The result of unrelenting abuse made me believe that I cannot trust people. That love is conditional and comes with a price. My abusers made me believe that I was unworthy of greatness. They beat me down physically and emotionally. I became terribly confused with where I stood in my relationships, and made me question my sense of belonging all together. I felt invisible in their presence and that I must appease their every want, need and desire in order to become visible to them once again. My greatest efforts were never enough – I was always enslaved by guilt and shame, for I told myself constantly, “I could have done better”.
That is when a perfectionist was born.
Their behavior was out of control so I subconsciously tried to control my own. I suffered for years battling an eating disorder as a means of control towards an out-of-control relationship. As I became weaker, they preyed on that weakness and without me even realizing it, used it to manipulate me further. I was so blinded by their abuse that I did not have eyes to see for myself anymore. I was their perfect victim.
I am not that girl anymore.
I am a woman of God now, and a mother of a beautiful daughter made from love. I am committed to breaking the cycle of abuse for her future and the future of her children.
When my daughter was born, the journey to break the chains of abuse was about to begin. You see, my daughter is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I was not going to let her grow up thinking that hostile environments, conditional love, yelling, and abuse was a normal way of life – I wanted better for her – MUCH better! She is my best friend, my inspiration and my motivator. I would do anything for her. I felt from the moment she was born, that it was my purpose to protect her and love her incessantly- and that is exactly what I’ve done.
Just after enduring about all the abuse I could possibly take, it increased even further, so much that I was left with no other choice but to pack my bags, take my daughter, and seek refuge at a Domestic Violence shelter.
It was one of the most difficult times of my life and also the greatest decision I could have ever made. I drove away from the abuse that night and started on the journey towards making a better life for my daughter and I – A life FREE FROM ABUSE.
That was when healing began for me.
It is remarkable to look back on all that has happened since I made the decision to break the chains of abuse. God and the Holy Spirit has completely flooded my life!!
But the reality is this: I am still wounded, and therefore still healing. Years of abuse takes a major toll on a person – I’m not even talking physically right now. In this case, I am talking about psychologically. I need be retaught that people are capable of being trusted. That I am worthy of love. That I can say NO without guilt. These are all things I am currently working very hard at reclaiming – I will become whole again!
The most important thing is that I have made the decision to break the cycle of abuse for the sake of my child’s future.
All with God’s grace and through His promises – I will be restored.
My spirit is stronger than any of the abuse I endured.
I will overcome anything, through Christ, who strengthens me.
© Caitlin De Naples TheRevivalExperience, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Caitlin De Naples and TheRevivalExperience with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.